Mr. Collins’ Adventures At Longbourn

Good day! I must say, you are looking rather dashing today and what a lovely time of year it is. Let me introduce myself. My name is Mr. Collins. I am a clergyman from the Victorian times. Enchanted to make your acquaintance. Translated to today’s words, Hi, I’m Mr. Collins and I work as a priest. Nice to meet you! Being a clergyman means I deliver sermons every Sunday. Hmm.. all sounds very important and serious doesn’t it? Well, it is. A sermon is a very long, very serious talk about being good, proper, and respectable. I deliver mine every Sunday. I write them very carefully, you know. I sit at my desk with my pen and ink perfectly aligned with the paper. I ponder over each and every word, choosing the very big words like rectitude, duty, and decorum. I bet your parents don’t even know what these words mean! Go on, ask them. I dare you.

My sermons are very fine indeed, so fine that many people close their eyes while I speak. Some may say they are sleeping, but no, no! It is because my words are so deep and so wise, they must shut their eyes to think about them. Indeed, I often find myself closing my own eyes while I speak, for the very same reason. One of the qualities I value the most about myself, and there are rather many qualities that I can say I’m proud of, but the one that springs to mind right now is that I practice what I preach. That’s right, I talk about the importance of duty in a man’s life and I take it very seriously. Duty is four little letters but it’s a very big word. It means doing what is proper and right. And what could be more proper than visiting my dear relatives, Mr. Bennet and his family, who live at Longbourn House? Ah, Longbourn! A handsome estate, though perhaps not as grand as Rosings Park, the home of the noble Lady Catherine de Bourgh. Have you heard of her?

No? Oh, what a sad thing! Lady Catherine is the most magnificent lady in all of England. She has advised me (personally!) on the arrangement of spoons, on the length of sermons, and on the correct number of carrots to eat at supper. Truly, her wisdom is endless. I’m very proud to say that my small church abuts her estate.

Oh dear, look at the time. It’s time to get ready. A gentleman must present himself well. Before I set off, I practised my bow. You see, in my time, we were expected to bow! Down, up. Down, up. Perfect. I rehearsed my greeting: “Dear Mr. Bennet, how honoured you are.” No,that’s the wrong way round. “Dear Mr. Bennet, how honoured I am to be here.” That’s more like it. “How honoured I am…, how honoured I am…, how honoured I am…”, I repeat three more times. Perfect. That’s why we practice! Into my bag I placed a notebook (for when I feel inspired in the moment), a pen, and a very shiny hat. A man of consequence must always carry a shiny hat. On my way to Longbourn, I practised my compliments. One must be ready at all times. “What a fine garden!” “What a delightful pudding!” “What excellent weather!” Even as I practise, I like to give the impression that they come naturally. People often think it’s a gift I have but it’s very much a studied craft! Ah, I’m here. What a lovely front garden. Longbourn House is a handsome estate indeed. I put my shiny hat on, extend my hand and knock on the door.